More Importantly...

So, I have this friend.
Very male.
Very amazing.

I have thought the world of him from almost day one. He smiled at me and I was hooked.
Not a crush.
Not a Joey-from-Friends "How YOU doin'?"

Okay, maybe a teensy-weensy crush, but dear God, let's not go there. (Although, despite my enlightenment of earlier this week, I still have the ability to know attractive when I see it. I'm not blind for goodness' sake!)

We have a wow, not-only-are-you-so-great-but-you-think-I'm-great-too kind of thing. Mutual respect. I immensely LIKE the guy.

Then I blew it. I told him everything I thought of him. After four freakin' years of keeping it to myself, I go and open my big mouth and out comes everything. I almost reverted it to the "I like you. Do you like me? Check this box if you do." scenario. Artists. Sheesh.

And the part about it is that I never INTENTIONALLY meant to do it. It was a one thing leads to another kind of thing. (Do not get me wrong - the conversation was very, very nice.)

For some reason I have this flaw that compels me to tell my friends exactly what I think of them and why I think they are so spiffy. (If I have ever referred to you as "spiffy", you are held in the highest esteem I can bestow.) So I come out and tell him.

For a smart girl, sometimes, I am not so smart.

So, now it is out there, this thing that for some reason is now an albatross instead of an enlightenment. Something that was to perhaps elevate our distant mutual respect to a sincere and true friendship, has now maybe ended everything. Now, why do I say that? I mean, he actually called me last night and told me it was all okay and to quit worrying. He said we were just fine. Nothing had ended.

But -

I come in this morning, all happy that I had my friend back, and that we were going to put the awkwardness behind us. So, I send him an e-mail. No reply. Okay, I get that.. he's VERY busy. But then I see him. He walks right by my desk. But somehow the smile that usually stops my heart (leave me alone - I already admitted that it MIGHT be a crush.) just looked sad. Like I'd let him down or something. Like I wasn't special anymore.

So, is it MY perception? Is he really okay with everything and I am just reading things into things? Or have I really lost that place in his eyes?

But, I am okay. This too shall pass, tomorrow is another day, et cetera.